It’s Sunday. I’m at my favourite cafe sipping my coffee, al fresco dining. Instead of plonking myself in a church (virtually, as Malaysia is still grappling with rising COVID-19 infection numbers), I am thinking about faith matters as I usually do. On this day of the week, I journal, read blogs or articles and talk to God about life and spirituality. To me, this is a spiritual practice, and something I look forward to doing every week.

Evangelical Christians love categories and putting neat little labels on people, so I’ll play along for a while. To them, I am one of the “unchurched””, a “done” or “churchless”. Yet, that definition isn’t super accurate for me either. Before the pandemic, I did call one church a home. Although I barely attend Sunday services, I made it a point to attend its bible classes after services. To me, that was my “gathering of saints”, for I prefer a more interactive and intellectual way of communing with my fellow Christians.

My faith journey has been meandering and I suppose, complicated.

I was an “accidental” Christian. I unknowingly said the words of faith, not realising that after saying them words, I was a Christian! Back then as a curious but deeply-seeking God-seeking Buddhist (haha even back then I was a massive contradiction), I heard a man talk about how God came to earth as a man, and he asked: “Do you want to know Him?” And I was like, SURE! Sign me up! I said the special words and later, someone told me – now you’re a Christian.

I was like, eh, I thought I had to go through some complicated ritual to be one?

I suppose I could’ve easily been annoyed that I was tricked into becoming a Christian and walked away from the whole “being a Christian” thing, but because I was drawn to the idea of knowing said God, I was determined to find out more about Him.

I went through what Calvinists call a “cage-stage” where I was blabbing my faith to everyone and generally being an asshole, much to the annoyance of my still-Buddhist relatives. Then a “be a good Christian” (or rather, Evangelical)” phase which I failed miserably.

I failed miserably, I suspect, because of my personality. I have what Jordan Peterson would describe as a very high degree of “openness”, and the conservative, Evangelical need to narrow things down to categories, rules and certainty just didn’t sit well with me. That, and spiritual abuse in one of the first churches I was with truly screwed me up.

And the whole, “we are better than everyone else” thing.

I once was in a car with a few Christians, and we passed a temple. And one of them, a pastor, started calling the people in there fools. I remember looking at him in dismay and thinking, “You’re talking about my people!”

I may be Christian, but I have not lost my love for people of other religions.

Hell, even people of other sexual preferences.

After years of cognitive dissonance, I just burnt out of churchianity and stumbled into the “Emergent movement”. The fact that so many Evangelicals called us heretics emboldened me more and I started blogging about it lol. (Cage stage part deux!)

But I grew tired of all that fighting and settled into a quieter, more private faith.

Simple Christianity

Here’s how I live my faith.

On some Sundays, I attend a typical church service. However, I usually find myself unable to attend more than a few in a row because I find the loud worship jarring and uncomfortable, and strangely anxiety-provoking. Worship, to me, is to get away from noise not to be immersed by it.

I’m not a fan of sermons either. Due to having suffered spiritual abuse in the past, I am always hyper-vigilant for manipulation via scripture. Alas, too often, I find smatterings of it in church.

So, I don’t enjoy typical Sunday services. I don’t like the “captive spectator” nature of it.

Usually, on Sundays, I will be practising my faith in a less traditional way.

Pre-pandemic, I attended a bible class at a church half an hour from my home. I find myself thoroughly enjoying the lively debates and fellowship. To me, that was my church. I missed it terribly when lockdowns happened.

Fortunately, a friend introduced me to Alpha, and although everything taught was rather basic for me, I enjoyed Alpha so, so much. People were allowed to share their doubts and thoughts and there was real interaction. I just wished Alpha didn’t just end and continued with more fellowship.

I’ve signed up with Bible Study Fellowship, and will be studying the book of Matthew with Christians around the world.

I realised that I preferred a more intellectual and interactive approach to “doing church”.

A lot of times I will have lunch or dinner with a fellow Christian to talk about our spiritual lives.

My daily spiritual practice will be too “loosey-goosey” for many evangelicals. Evangelicals say the path to a better relationship with God lay in daily “quiet times”. But I found the quick, half an hour daily devotional practice unfulfilling and difficult to practice on a daily basis, especially when you have to wake up early to catch your one-hour train ride to work.

Throughout the years, I have tried different times and methods and felt like a failure for not being able to apply any of them consistently. And when I do, it felt more like a thing to check off my daily to do list.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that some teachers say that the daily quiet time doesn’t have to be a thing. Jen Wilkin, a bible teacher I quite like, even said that for some people, twice or thrice a week of in-depth bible study is great. And “listening” to the bible is also great.

So, no, I don’t have a daily quiet time. But I sure have a daily pondering sessions throughout the day, where I listen to sermons, podcast discussions and think and talk with God (prayer!) about them. At times, I will share my thoughts on Facebook or a blog like this one. Perhaps I will find a more structured method in the future, but for now, I like my loosey-goosey daily spiritual practice.

Resisting labels and forgiving always

Still, I rarely discuss how I practise my faith these days, only to avoid the heated debates that naturally follow. And the judgement. Ooooh, the judgement! I was tired of all that shit, basically.

Occasionally, however, I still get barbs and rejections from my more conservative/Evangelical brethren when I lowered my guard. It is hard to realise that the way you live and think about your faith and “do church” is branded as “not enough” or heretical to some. My forgiveness muscles had and is still having, a good workout till this day. I cannot deny that I resent them for thinking I am “less than” just because I don’t have the same spiritual disciplines, interpret the bible the same way they do, or have progressive-leaning sensibilities.

So, can faith be simple?

Yes, I really believe that.

Over the years I wondered how I still consider myself a Christian despite being tossed out of churches, disregarded and excommunicated and cut off from so many Christians because I’m not like them. I still love and consider them my Christian sisters and brothers eventhough they think I’m lost, and a personal project for redemption. (Btw, after reading this, please don’t reach out to me to invite me to your church so that I can return to the true path – I’m already on said path!)

Why and how did I hang on?

It all comes back to that day when I became an accidental Christian, I believe. Why was I attracted to Christianity? Because of Jesus. I was attracted to His love for us.

I was used to distant gods who watched us with disdain from afar. The fact that He bothered to come down and be with us was a Big Deal to me.

How I hung on for so many years was probably due to a confluence of personality and circumstances. Personality – a mixture of Openness, sheer stubbonrness, love for deconstructing and figuring things out.

Circumstances: Am convinced that the first five years of my faith, when I was unable to attend church, was a big help.

Why – because it sheltered me from the influence of cultural Christianity, and helped me develop my understanding of Jesus. I was a voracious reader and student, and read all kinds of things – and yes, the bible page to page, and grew to understand Him and got to know Him.

I didn’t hang my faith on bible inerrancy, church community or celebrity Christians.

I hung my faith on the person of Jesus.

And that’s how I kept my faith simple.