I wince a little when I read articles that suggest that we should apply minimalism principles to our relationships. Declutter your friends! Konmari friends or relatives who don’t add value!

I imagine myself looking at the list of connections I have on Facebook, closing my eyes and asking: “Does [name] spark joy?” And hitting “unfriend” when the answer is No.

If only it was that easy, especially if blood ties are involved!

This is not a “10 steps to build meaningful relationships” or “How to get declutter your friendships in 3 steps” essay. Minimalism is fantastic, it has changed my life, but I don’t think it will make it easier to simplify relationships or create meaningful relationships. Because people aren’t stuff that we can donate to the Salvation Army or shove into the attic to ignore. Or something we can order from Amazon. People are complex, unpredictable and definitely not easy to dispose of or konmari.

When relationships dissolve

Recently, a group of friends and I talked about the termination of relationships. How, with some, it seem to come out of nowhere, how with some, you initiate the separation yourself, or with a few, it just dies a sputtering, agonisingly slow death.

In that conversation, we spoke about how damn complex it can be and how we often hang on too long to relationships that are toxic because, I’m not sure, fear of being alone? Sunk cost fallacy? And some, like relationships with family, you feel obligated to hang on to due to having shared DNA, even though it’s destroying you inside.

I had one relationship, whom I’ve always thought of as deep and meaningful, end rather dramatically. When the explosion happened and the other party walked away (literally), I was actually relieved. I had thought, “Phew, thank God I don’t have to do this myself!” And I realised, that I hung on to that relationship for too long.

I had another reduce me to a devastated zombie, wondering how a formerly close relationship can implode to one where serious financial, psychological damage was being done. And how, to keep the facade that there’s still hope, I kept the channels of communications open, only to be wounded over and over again until I had to finally walk away, minimising the relationship to one of icy, obligatory politeness.

There are some I easily let go. The close acquaintance who had the habit of ghosting me completely without explanation after weeks of intense sharing and activities.

There are others where I reluctantly let go after many tries of trying to connect. When an office friend politely turned down my repeated requests for coffee, one we had always taken, I respected her silent signals and backed away, even though it left me confused. What had happened? What did I do wrong?

A minimalist’s guide to meaningful relationships

For the longest time I felt almost obligated to make relationships work because, maybe I felt like it was my responsibility to.

But I think it also comes down to a lack of confidence in our perspective and worth. Always that niggling thought, “Maybe they are right … maybe I am shit” or “It must be my fault”. And so you, being a people pleaser, work hard to prove to them that you are not shit. If that person is a gaslighting pro, boy are you in for a ride.

Minimalism exhorts us to keep only things that give value to you. And while minimalism and simplicity can’t take away the pain of ending relationships, it can help you get focused on making a decision that will be healthier for you and reduce the pain as you pull the plug. Here are the ways I’m creating meaningful relationships:

1. Only keep relationships that help you value and love yourself

The simplest, most minimalist edict I’ve come to embrace when it comes to managing my relationships comes down to this: Take care of your feelings, emotions, health first, even if it hurts another person’s feelings, even if it breaks society’s expectations. We can do this in a few ways:

Put away “but why?” questions

Many a times, friendships end due to no fault of our own. Maybe they’re too busy. Maybe they have ADHD and simply forgot to connect and became hyperfocused on some new, exciting thing. Other times, it comes down to a clash of personalities and love languages. We have to be comfortable with not knowing why.

Be confident of your perspective

Gaslighting is a bugaroo, where the gaslighter distorts your perspective and shift blame unto you. Own your perspective of the relationship, even if said person doesn’t agree with it – it’s not your responsibility to correct their perceptions.

Be clear on how you want to be treated

If you feel lousy after interacting with someone, it’s a sign. I had a friendship like this once, where I felt absolutely horrid after each time we hung out. It took me a while to admit that my friend’s put downs was not how I wanted to be a treated. When she resisted my efforts to right the ship, I knew it was time to let go. My friends and relatives should not demean nor condescend me, and those that do not accept this boundary do not belong in my safe space.

Being clear about how we want to be treated means letting the Friend/Relative know what behaviour is acceptable, and what is not. When they continue to cross these boundaries and not behave in a way that honours your worth and value, you need to take action to protect your mental health.

2. Accept that it’s okay to have temporary friends and estranged relatives

We often beat ourselves up when a relationship ends or it’s not as healthy as it should be. But I have come to accept, to a degree, that friends and even relatives come and go like passing ships in our lives.

People change. Friends with whom you had the same values … no longer share the same principles. We should let them sail away, especially if they no longer help you keep rule No.1. But while it’s easier to accept the idea of temporary friends, estranged relatives are another matter. I suppose we expect more from people who share our blood, but the truth is, sometimes relatives are people that you’ll never be friends with if you had the choice. There’s a lot of stigma against being estranged from a family member, but if they don’t respect nor enable you to live Rule No.1, they’re not good for you. Let them go in peace.

3. Let go by forgiving

It’s in the ending that the true test comes: how are you going to react?

I think that’s why God keeps telling us to forgive. Forgiveness is not excusing them for all the painful things they’ve done or god forbid, saying that they were right in treating you like a piece of garbage, but to say that: What you did was wrong. I am griveiously hurt by that. But I’m not going to board the ship you’re on to glare at you from a secret cabin while you lounge on the deck watching the waves and sipping martinis.

Instead, I’m going bid them adieu as they sail away from the port, or hey, maybe stay at home and read a book. I will say, it’s too bad that it has come to this, and I hurt from it, but it’s time to go our respective ways.

Hah, I wish we can treat friendships and family relationships as cooly and methoidcally as a business transaction.

But … it can help to try.

Redefining relationships. Should you?

But sometimes the ships return to port. And your former friend disembarks and wants to reconnect.

Should you let them back in your life?

Do you keep a polite distance or just cut away completely from? Do we welcome once-in-a-blue messages or ignore them completely? I admit I still struggle with this. So many decisions!

Some of my friends ask, “geez, why are you responding to that message? Or why did you send that birthday greeting?”

I guess … it was my way of saying, hey, I’m off that ship but I don’t have hard feelings that you’ve sailed away. But is it the truth?

I think that’s why some people ghost you – a seemingly minimalist, neat way of ending relationships. No fake platitudes or greetings.

This is my personal decision – and one that you do not need to emulate. I hate being ghosted, so I don’t ghost people. When a relationship that I really value is teetering towards breaking rule no.1, I will do my best to convey my concern about its eventual destruction. If it’s met with efforts to patch things up, very good. If not, I will disengage.

In the end, whether they should be back in your lives come down to whether they can abide by Rule no.1: Can they help you value and love yourself?

If they do the opposite, you know what to do.