When I was 23, I made the biggest financial mistake of my life.

This mistake would affect me financially, mentally, and emotionally for decades. Relationships were broken, my retirement funds were affected and I still suffer from financial PTSD that has made me terrified of making financial decisions.

My mistake?

I bought a property with another person. Yes, I co-owned a property.

A proposal

In many Chinese families, we are taught the value of saving and investing early. My parents, being government servants, were kan cheong (impatient) to get us kids into firm financial footing.

Their idea? Getting me on the property ladder as soon as possible.

So, when I started receiving my first steady paycheck, my parents said it was time to buy property. They had their eyes set on a RM120,000 condo project. They will help me with the deposit, but we have to move fast. (If your eyes are going OMG at the price, note that it’s the early 2000s, and apartments were pretty affordable then! The price was considered mid-range.)

Back then, I had my eyes set on a simple walk-up apartment that was going for RM50,000. I knew I could afford it on my meagre RM2000 (before tax) salary. But a RM120,000 one?

There was a part of me that didn’t want any help — I wanted to get property on my own. But in the end, I said yes. It was decided that there will be two owners of the apartment — a relative and me. I won’t go into any more details about the identity of said relative, but I trusted my parents’ wisdom and went ahead despite the growing anxiety in me. After all, I trusted said relative (whom I shall call X). If I were to share property with someone, X would be it.

To cut a very long and painful story short, a few years after we got the apartment and began living in it, X wanted to sell the apartment.

I didn’t.

It was still early years. I loved my condo. It was my home. And the price had not appreciated much. If we sold, it would be at a loss. Whatever money X wanted to gain from it would be negligible.

In the end, all negotiations — if we can even call it that — broke down. And I was left to service a mortgage on a meagre RM3000 salary. Alone.

To add fuel to the fire, at that time, I was heavily in debt. Not only did I have a RM120k mortgage, I had to pay off my car loan and I had credit card debt up to my eyeballs. To say that I struggled to meet my bills monthly was an understatement.

How I got out of the financial hole

If there’s one good thing that came out of the painful events was that I realised my finances were in a bad state. It woke me out of years of coasting and overspending. I paid down my debt aggressively and strategically, and by 2012 when I left for Australia, I had not only gotten rid of RM20,000 of consumer debt but had significant savings. The mortgage, of course, was hanging over me like the Sword of Damocles. Fortunately, I rented the apartment when I was in Australia, so I always paid the mortgage on time.

After I returned to Malaysia, one thing led to another, and I ended up finally 100% owning the apartment. The process wasn’t easy. I spent a lot of money paying lawyers and had to withdraw money from EPF (something which I regret till this day). But the day I received the title 100% with my name was one of the happiest days in my life.

Finally, after nearly a decade, the financial albatross around my neck was gone.

Or was it?

Fallout

In hindsight, I wish I did things differently.

I wished I sold, to be honest. Maybe not in 2008-2010 but certainly in 2015. It would have been cleaner.

And I probably wouldn’t have sacrificed so much of EPF gains.

But it was a messy situation and so much of emotion was involved. If I could time travel back to talk to my past self. I would talk to her, wipe away her tears and tell her that we can start anew with another property. Maybe we would’ve lost money, but we can have a clean break.

Because, I still don’t like my property. I don’t live in it and don’t ever want to, preferring to rent instead. In fact, there’s so much emotional baggage attached to that place that walking into the place triggers painful memories of arguments and bitter words. It’s better for me to sell it. Yet, I’m far too traumatised from everything that the thought of facing lawyers, banks and legal complications sends me in a panic.

The biggest fallout from this financial mess is my broken relationship with X.

I don’t blame my parents. They were trying their best to secure my financial future. In fact, I don’t think I could’ve gotten on the property ladder so early if not for them.

I wish, however, that I spoke to someone, did my research about buying properties instead of blindly going into the situation. If I knew what I knew now, I would never have signed up to be a co-owner of a property with anyone.

This is where we come to the next section.

Lessons learned

Here’s where I hope you will learn from my very costly mistake. Don’t be me.

Study everything you can about property investing before buying one. Apply that to all forms of investing!

One day someone will tell you about this fantastic property or investment deal. Thank them. AND DO YOUR RESEARCH.

Don’t co-own a property unless it’s with your spouse

Trust me, no matter how close you are to a person, you won’t know how they are with money until you’re deep in it with them.

When you share property with a spouse, you’ll have some form of protection if you go splitsville. If you co-own a property, you’re bound to the decisions of your co-owner. Co-owner don’t want to sell? Too bad. Co-owner don’t want to pay mortgage? Too bad!

If your gut screams no, please listen to it

How my gut screamed when I received that proposition from my parents! I knew in my gut that it was the wrong move, but it seemed so logical. So, I ignored it. Nope. Should’ve listened.

Always do your own research — don’t depend on the “wisdom” of others

Your parents, friends or other relatives are probably lovely people. And even if they hold a degree in finance or is a certified financial planner, they do not have the same risk appetite, goals or needs as you do. Always, always, do your own research. Be very clear on what you want to achieve and don’t let their opinions sway you from your goals. Because their desires are not yours.

Parental/Relative pressure is real — but you can say no

We live in a communal society where there is a powerful pressure to make financial sacrifices for the sake of the family. Just a note that no one can force you to do something. You can say no if it’s the wrong financial move for you. It will probably cost you many brownie points and make your presence in family Whatsapp chats super awkward, but don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with.

Be wary of doing financial things with relatives

Friends, doing business with relatives is messy. Investing with relatives? Even messier. You may trust them with your life but people change. And sometimes, you don’t know people as well as you think.

Making peace with my mistake

I think about what would’ve happened if I hadn’t made that financial mistake. A lot.

I would’ve bought that RM50,000 apartment and paid it off early without digging into my EPF. I may even have a second investment property. My EPF would probably be healthy enough for me to Coast FIRE confidently right now. (Technically, I am already Coast FIRE, but I prefer to fatten my retirement funds more.)

Then again, maybe I would’ve been ignorant about personal finance till this day. Perhaps I would still be trapped in the debt cycle.

It’s been hard to put this behind me. It’s been over 10 years since all of this happened, but I still think about it with regret.

We should normalise talking about our financial failures so that people can understand how a financial mistake can impact your life badly, but you can recover from it, even regain financial ground that you’ve lost. There’s hope in every financial failure.

May you learn from my experience. And perhaps, gain some hope that you can rise above financial messes.

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